Second Submission of Essay with Editor’s Comments:

Over the next few years, I would like to round out my corporate finance experience with exposure to other areas of finance, even possibly investment banking [Comment 1] . Even more importantly, I aim to learn about other areas of business—particularly marketing and strategy. Doing so will help me become a well-rounded manager who understands all of the inner workings of a company [Comment 2] . My ultimate goal is to become CFO of a large company, but in the shorter term I know that the best way to grow professionally is to learn more about general business, and a Chicago MBA will help me do just that [Comment 3] .

I [Comment 4] received my degree in Business Management with a concentration of Finance at Delaware State College in the undergraduate business program, which had just formed two years before I joined. Due to the newness of the program, there were not many classes set up specifically for undergraduate business students. We were thus all placed in graduate level classes along with the MBA students in Delaware State's business school. This experience proved to be the most exciting and, at the same time, the most intimidating one in my life. It was exciting because I realized that I had the intelligence [Comment 5] to learn alongside current MBA students, but it was scary because I learned that I had much to learn [Comment 6] in business. It was for this reason that I decided I needed to acquire a good basis of understanding in finance once I graduated from college [Comment 7] .

I reasoned that the best way to truly learn and understand finance was to start as an accountant and get a good grounding in the basics of the income statement and its components [Comment 8] . This led to my first job as a Staff Accountant at Bob Chinn's, Inc., a restaurant operator in Chicago. After two solid years of accounting, I realized that I wanted to learn more about the operations that generated the statement, as well as the workings [Comment 9] of planning and forecasting. Rather than just reporting what had happened, I wanted to be closer [Comment 10] to the decisions that steer the business. This led me to my current job as a financial analyst at A.T. & Love Corp [Comment 11] .

I have now reached another point of awareness in my life [Comment 12] , and I want to expand my knowledge of business in general, in order to grow as a potential [Comment 13] manager. In particular, I would like to combine what I learn at Chicago GSB with my own experiences to figure out how a company structures its finances can help its managers make better decisions [Comment 14]. For instance, I have seen companies with too much debt make decisions for the wrong reasons, and I would like to learn how to avoid making these same mistakes in the future.

The first step to learning and applying these lessons is for me to gain more formal training in business school. With its flexible curriculum and a student body so dedicated to seeking answers to tough questions, I know that Chicago GSB is the ideal place for me to take this next step in my life [Comment 15].

Content:

You very clearly and directly answer questions that are asked. The admissions committee can get a clear sense of who you are and what you want to do with your career.

You might consider giving a bit more explanation as to why you have set these goals for yourself. Questions you might want to answer are:

• Why do you want to be a CFO? Maybe you admire the CFO of the company you work for now.

• Why do you think investment banking is the best post-grad school position to prepare you to be a CFO v. getting a position in corporate finance at a company and working your way up? I think the admissions committee will know why (i.e., exposure to many industries, etc), but they want to know that you know.

Content Rating: 4 (out of 5)

Parameters / Structure:

The first paragraph is great in that you address the question straight away. The first two sentences do leave the reader asking “why?”. Why do you want to round out your corporate finance experience? Why do you want exposure to other areas of business? We find out in the last sentence that is it because you want to be a CFO. Consider stating that in the beginning and then going to the short term goals / education goals.

For example:

• Over the long-term, I want to be a CFO of a large company.

• To prepare me for that position, I aim to be an investment banker.

• I want to go to GSB so that I can round out my corporate finance experience and learn about general areas of business (i.e., marketing).

Parameters / Structure Rating: 3 (out of 5)

Grammar:

• Excellent! No noticeable errors.

• Slightly over word limit. Don’t try to cut out words and the expense of losing the clear style of the essay.

• Word choice is awkward in a couple places and is noted in the essay

• Slightly less concise than the first essay. You might consider condensing some sentences, especially in the second and fourth paragraphs

Grammar Rating: 5 (out of 5)

Use of “Situation, Action, Result” format (if applicable):

N/A

Reflection on Target School:

• What is unique about GSB that fits my educational and career goals? The GSB’s strength in the finance community is probably one main reason.
• How is Chicago different than other top schools and what does that attract you? You might consider looking at how Chicago is different that other programs (i.e., Wharton, Columbia) that are commonly considered “financed-focused” and determine what is different about the GSB. How does that fit in with your goals? Give reasons why the GSB is the only school that makes sense for you to attend.
• What is unique about me that will make me fit in at GSB and make contributions that no one else can? You have a strong background in finance, so maybe that’s a good place to start. Describing fit is hard to do. If you can, try to talk to current students or alumni.
• Mention if you have visited the school

Reflection on Background::