| Melanie |
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| Below is one of Melanie's essays for her Columbia application. We present the essay in its original form, with just cosmetic changes made to protect the author's identity. We then provide comments and suggestions, based on the advice available in Your MBA Game Plan. |
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| The question that she answers in this essay is: |
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| What are your short-term and long-term career goals? How will the Columbia Business School MBA help you achieve these goals? |
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My diverse professional experience since college have included financial brokerage, commercial banking and defined contribution consulting. My goals have evolved through experiencing in those diverse settings, and my goal now is to obtain my MBA from the Columbia Business School and to join a prestigious finance organization with the eventual goal of owning my own consulting firm.
In selecting a career I have always been told to figure out what you like to do and then make a career out of it. Eight years ago, armed with this bit of philosophy, I set out to find out what I like. Before entering college, I came to the realization that my interests lay in business. My courses in business were the ones I always look forward to, and my business projects and presentations were the most challenging and rewarding of all my undergraduate course work. Upon graduating, I interviewed with, and was offered several enviable positions with well-known firms in New York City. I forewent those offers and decided to join Anderson & Stevens as defined contribution analyst.
As a defined contribution analyst with Anderson & Stevens and The Johnson Companies for the past two and a half years, I have developed a solid foundation in teamwork, analytical and problem solving skills. I work in a group that currently has four members. The success of the group relies on the extraordinary amount of cooperation from each of us. As a junior member of the team, I am able to the contribute to the group in several ways including, managing and accurately completing multiple requests with short turnaround times, gathering and conveying information from client, collecting and calculating data, maintaining databases, and strengthening my own foundation of knowledge to be used as a resource. However, while I am an excellent team player, these experiences provides expansive career opportunities in consulting, I have reached a plateau in developing the analytical and management skills necessary to achieve my goal.
Being a successful leader of an organization, I have to learn all aspects of organization outside of defined contribution such as marketing or system administration. I have found that I need to overcompensate for my “soft” appearance in order to get my point across. By attending Columbia Business School, I will gain exposure to both theories and practices in the world’s financial centers. I will attain a deeper understanding of management concepts and be able to apply those concepts to real life situations on the job. I hope to improve to negotiating skills and to gain more experience in getting group members to carry their own weight. At the same time, I do not want to be a tyrant. To be effective, it is important for a manager to maintain the proper balance of power and compassion. Only in this way, will I be able to lead a team of people to realizing the goals of the firm.
Following a successfully completion of my MBA program, I would like to seek a position in a prestigious finance organization. Because of the excellent preparation of the basics Columbia will have provided me, I will excel among my peer and eventually climb up the corporate ladder. After excelling in all aspects of the defined contribution, I would like to start with consulting in the area of retirement services and eventually expand my business to other areas of consulting such as actuarial and life insurance. Initially, I would like to concentrate my clients within United States. Eventually, I would like to expand my client base oversea starting with the Asia market where the foundation of the defined contribution is still very weak and unfounded. The ability to converse in Chinese and an understanding of Chinese and American Culture, It will give me a top advantage to initiate my business in the Asia market.
Furthermore, an effective manager in the 21st century must be well-versed in international business. Unfortunately, my desire to gain this broader understanding of the increasing interdependent global economy remains unsatisfied at the current position. Columbia Business School is located in the heart of the New York City. The students of Columbia Business School have the advantage of being able to study in one of the top school in the dynamic and cosmopolitan city where most of the multinational corporations are located.
My professional experiences thus far have enabled me to gain much confidence in my ability to set very high professional goals because I know I will maintain the personal dedication and hard work necessary in achieving them. I feel that these diverse experiences have prepared me well to receive an education from Columbia just as a MBA from Columbia will undoubtedly help me reach my short-term goal along the line proceeds to that end point. |
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| Comments |
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This essay suffers conversation flow and grammatical issues. Melanie would benefit from using headers in the essay, because of its longer length (1000 words). Melanie should also make sure that she has someone with a strong background in academic English review the essay. |
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The focus of the essay is three parts: 1) Short-term goals, 2) Long-term goals and 3) Where Columbia Business School fits in. Unfortunately, Melanie doesn't cover any of these adequately. The reader knows that she wants to join a "prestigious finance organization" upon graduation, but she doesn't explain why that is a goal of hers. |
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The last sentence in the third paragraph is confusing. It indicates that she's reached a plateau in terms of the analytical and management skills that are required for her to reach her goal. If she's reached a level that allows her to reach her goal, then why does she need business school? That's unclear. It's also unclear what the goal is that she is mentioning here. |
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The second part (long-term goals) is addressed more completely. The fifth paragraph is the best paragraph in the essay. Melanie describes her goal to start her own consulting firm decently. More details on why she her venture will be successful would be helpful. Additionally, Melanie should create a link between her short-term and long-term goals. Finally, some more details on the Asia market and why her venture would be successful there would also be helpful. |
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The last part (why Columbia) needs some work. Melanie should tie her goals to what Columbia would provide. She should write much more specifically about Columbia's clubs, networks, curriculum, mission, classes, students, faculty etc. and present a case that establishes fit with the school and her goals. |
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In the third paragraph Melanie mentions several positive attributes. These attributes would be much more believable if she provided actual examples of the attributes in action. |
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Overall, Melanie should really focus on the basic structure of the essay and make sure that she covers the three parts adequately. |
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