| Sandra |
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| Below is one of Sandra's essays for her Harvard application. We present the essay in its original form, with just cosmetic changes made to protect the author's identity. We then provide comments and suggestions, based on the advice available in Your MBA Game Plan. |
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| The question that she answers in this essay is: |
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| What do you wish the MBA Admissions Board had asked you? (400 words) |
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Why do you believe you will succeed? I believe that the combination of my background, and my personality set a unique foundation for me to succeed.
I recently asked my friends to describe me with three words. A number of them used the word "different". They explained that they could not think of another word to describe my seemingly subconscious ability to not fit into some of the norms or molds of society. They also noted that I did this without conflicting with my environment. This was not surprising to me because for many years friends and family have called me "different." I believe this is because I handle things in a different manner to those around me. I always question whether there is a more effective way to do something or whether a tradition is worth keeping. To accomplish a task, I tend to seek unconventional way to "Get It Done" faster or more efficiently.
I was born in Canada, I grew up in Trinidad and Tobago, and I completed college in the United States. I have experienced both developed and developing country environments. I am very aware of how their economies differ and affect the quality of life (access to sufficient healthcare, education, food and other facilities) of their citizenry. However, I believe my detailed understanding of diversity and disparity came from my experiences at a predominantly black college called Tobias University (TU). The rich heritage of TU has really impressed me with it’s legacy from great African American figures who were different in their own fields, like the Tobias Corps; a successful World War II Army unit and Randolph Elliot; a simple farmer who made numerous scientific and agricultural discoveries and inventions. Tobias' prestige is built upon the perseverance to succeed against the odds (whether due to discrimination, lack of resources, etc). Many of my achievements at TU resulted from similar determination to succeed against many of the challenges I faced as active student. TU has given me the track record and the confidence of a successful leader.
I believe that my personality, my experiences and my egacy are sufficient to get me on the path to success. I know that once there, I have the determination and the support I need to endure to the finish. |
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| Comments |
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The essay's second and third lines really grab the reader's attention. We immediately read that Sandra is different, and are curious as to what exactly makes her different. |
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However, the rest of the paragraph doesn't give readers many specifics as to how exactly Sandra is different. She writes that she does things differently and accomplishes tasks more efficiently, but an illustration using an example is needed here. |
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Most of the next paragraph tells us more about Sandra's undergraduate school than about her. What exactly does this add to her theme? We recommend cutting most of this out, as it is precious space in which she could write about herself. |
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The theme of overcoming adversity to succeed -- which she covers later in this same paragraph -- is a powerful one. However, Sandra again only mentions this in passing without providing an example to illustrate how she has done this. With the space that she could save by cutting out the material about her school, she could provide a nice, concise example here. |
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There are some typos that need fixing. For example, "it's" in the third paragraph should be "its." Also, the punctuation in that same sentence needs work. (Although we recommend eliminating this sentence, anyway.) |
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Finally, since she can make the question whatever she wants, Sandra should consider tweaking the question, if she wants to keep the "different" theme. It's a compelling theme, but it doesn't clearly answer the question of why she thinks she will succeed. We recommend that she decide what she wants the essay to be about (success? her uniqueness? overcoming adversity?) and then focus 100% on that. The uniqueness theme might be a good one to keep, since HBS doesn't explicitly ask that question (unlike many schools). It could be a good way for her to work that theme into her application. But, that depends on what her other essays already contain. |
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Overall, Sandra has a promising theme, which she sets up right away. She should work on building the entire essay around these first two sentences (assuming she keeps the "different" theme), and keeping the focus on her. If she does that, she should have a compelling application essay. |
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