| Greg |
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| Below is one of Greg's essays for his Wharton application. We present the essay in its original form, with just cosmetic changes made to protect the author's identity. We then provide comments and suggestions, based on the advice available in Your MBA Game Plan. |
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| The question that he answers in this essay is: |
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| Describe a personal achievement that has had a significant impact on your life. Give specific details. What did you learn from this experience? How did it help shape your understanding of yourself and the world around you? (500 words) |
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Growing up, I always had an intense fear of public speaking. I remember my first grade teacher, Miss Hamilton, telling me that she loved my Christmas story and asking me to read it aloud for everyone’s parents at the school’s Christmas play. I immediately burst into tears, begging her not to make me speak in front of so many people. She finally relented, but even as a six-year-old I recognized the concern in her voice. This fear continued through my early teenage years. At various times I would be asked to give a presentation or make a speech, and I would always find an excuse to get out of it. I would rarely even speak up in class for fear of embarrassment. I couldn’t imagine how I would ever overcome my fear of public speaking.
In high school, I became more comfortable with speaking in a group. Things had changed for me. The difference was that I was no longer thinking about what I was going to say to the point of paralysis. I was just speaking my mind. Still, I couldn’t imagine myself actually speaking in front of a large audience. What would happen if I finally got up in front of a crowd? Would I freeze up? Would I even be able to bring myself to get up in front of that crowd? When would the right opportunity present itself?
That opportunity came in my junior year of high school, when I decided to run for the office of treasurer in our student government. I had always had strong opinions about how the school could be improved, and this was my chance to make a difference. I wanted to get more students involved in all areas of the student government. Of course, running for office meant making a speech in front of my school’s 1,500 students. The old Greg would never have done it, but when I realized that a five-minute speech was what stood before me and the possibility of becoming my school’s treasurer, I refused to let it stop me. That day I walked up to the podium and delivered my speech without thinking about that large audience at all. I simply said what I wanted to say, only glancing at my notes once or twice. I stumbled a few times at first, but by the end of the speech it all felt very natural to me, to the point where I didn’t want to leave the stage!
Everything had changed. I no longer worried about what I would say, what my voice would sound like, or how people would react. I learned that effective communication didn’t have to be perfect, as long as it was sincere. And I realized that there was no secret to public speaking. Great speakers simply have confidence, and I have since gained this trait. I have gone on to speak in front of crowds in academic, business, and informal settings, and each time I have just relaxed and let myself speak. And it always feels as good as it did that day in front of 1,000 fellow students, when I conquered my fear of public speaking. |
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| Comments |
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The intro paragraph is great. Greg provides a nice illustration of how intense his fear of public speaking was, and how it had been with him since childhood. |
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In the second paragraph, Greg could try to describe an example of how he was starting to become more comfortable with the idea of speaking in a group. Even just one sentence would help give the reader an idea of Greg's evolution as a speaker, and maintain the vivid storytelling that Greg established at the start of the essay. |
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All of the questions at the end of the second paragraph can probably be removed. Greg mentioned to us that he was looking for ways to cut this essay down to the 500-word limit. We recommend striking these questions completely. No need to try to stir up drama in such a short piece. |
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The third paragraph moves the story along well, although we'd advise taking out the second and third sentences. They aren't relevant to the story that Greg is trying to tell. This is another opportunity to shorten the essay. |
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Terrific ending. We wouldn't change a thing in that last paragraph. |
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Although the question doesn't explicitly ask him to relate his achievement back to the school, Greg could help himself by mentioning how his achievement and his speaking ability will help him contribute at Wharton. This is something to consider adding, as long as it doesn't end up sounding forced. |
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Overall, the makings of a great essay. We just recommend that Greg tighten up the middle part and keep only what's relevant, adding one more vivid example (that helps illustrate how he changed over time) if possible. |
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