| John |
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| Below is one of John's essays for his Wharton application. We present the essay in its original form, with just cosmetic changes made to protect the author's identity. We then provide comments and suggestions, based on the advice available in Your MBA Game Plan. |
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| The question that he answers in this essay is: |
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| Taking two years to pursue an MBA requires a considerable investment of time and resources. Please describe the path leading to your decision to pursue a Wharton MBA now. How do you expect the MBA experience to benefit you on both a professional and personal level? (1,000 words) |
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I aspire. I plan. I execute. Cliché or not, this has been the cornerstone leading me from a fledgling student to a business professional, fully prepared to pursue my MBA at Wharton.
My alma mater launched, upon matriculation, an orientation program that offered new admits consultation on academic study, and more importantly, early career plan. Tested to possess great potential in business, I pinpointed MBA as an ideal master degree to pursue following several years’ solid work experience. Even more heartening was the fact each year our university boasted a cohort of alumni admitted by top programs including Wharton, Harvard and Chicago.
With plans made, I embarked on the trek by opting to minor in international finance, in addition to taking a broad spectrum of business-related electives including intermediate accounting, economics and banking. Unfortunately, most of the teaching materials derived from the communist time while teachers still resorted to the stale methodology of indoctrination. Final exams required students to memorize theories mechanically and took the form of multiple choices in lieu of more subjective case-based analysis. Though less stellar than my core course grades, they further solidified my plan to acquire a formal business degree.
My liberal arts background proffered me great latitude in engaging in a variety of functions requiring disparate skill-sets, thanks to my versatility as well as knowledge build-up. After all, I position myself as a generalist instead of a specialist typified as an accounting or software programmer. In retrospect, I have been progressing on a rolling project basis, with each stage building upon the previous one.
My peers at each organization are mostly three or four years senior to me; nevertheless, my performance has been well on par with, if not better than, that of others. Unfortunately, to assume that my road to Rome has been plane and wide all along would be too premature a conclusion to jump at.
While my project at International Media Corporation, my second employer, was in high gear, the 9.11 tragedy reduced international travel to a standstill. (For details, please see essay No. 2.) As if this were not enough, the ensuing fiber-optic scandal in which International Media Fiber Optics was involved, worked perfectly as the last straw—our parent company suspended its China-based operation including my project. The unemployment seriously undermined my career planning and mercilessly shattered my blueprint. I did not burn money; neither had I cooked books, yet was victimized by the irrational and irresponsible human nature.
The ensuing half a year was to bring my career aspiration out of the murky. Six months with the UN initiative (for details, please see essay No. 3) were also a time when I reflected upon the world at large. Obviously it is no perfect world, but should it behave like this? What is my next career stop, or is there still one? A victim of the corporate ethics meltdown, I could not help feeling frustrated and disoriented—MBAs apparently played a large role in scandals. Consequently, this experience, allowing me to contribute to society, constituted a break from the mercenary world to seek rationalization.
Originally my career plan was simple: to excel at workplace, get an MBA, and then work as a top strategy consultant before settling down as an executive at a corporation. My work relationship with the UN program manager, a Wharton undergraduate who went on earning a master’s degree in technology at U Penn, substantially changed all this. This time, I started to perceive MBA from a new angle—first and foremost, MBAs must be socially responsible before they can aspire to reap professional achievements; otherwise they are still doomed to failure however smart they are. This was again solidified by my acquaintance and mentorship, at the UN conference, with an investment-banker-turned-social-good-doer, also the founding chairman of the US-based Green Earth Institute. There were, and are, responsible people and organization after all.
Six months on, I headed back to the corporate world, confidence recovered. National Data Systems (NDS) seemed an ideal place to start my career anew—I knew so the minute I saw the receptionist for interview—in lieu of charming girls, a pygmy handled the task. Later I learned this deep-rooted culture resulted from NDS’s strong advocacy of handicapped-hiring. As for me, I further extend it to hiring veterans in my department. Not only do I commit social obligations, but the department actually benefit from their ultra reliability and diligence. Besides, I volunteered as the department representative of the corporate environment, office health and safety initiative.
Mid 2004 will witness my department’s consummation of a worldwide business transformation project, to which I have been contributing from the operations perspective. I deem it an optimal time to start pursue my MBA, which, at this stage, will be conducive to my career aspiration.
Upon graduation, I will join a top-tier IT corporation and rotate in different functions in its leadership/executive development program at mid-management level. In ten years I aspire to be a senior executive and strategy-setter.
Meanwhile, I will devote myself to helping the underprivileged in China. Consequently, I plan on establishing an IT-based NGO in the long run. My business acumen will render me better positioned to contribute to this scenario—applying cost-effective technologies (only possible through my experience with an elite technology firm) to drag the poor out of the social and economic abyss plaguing generations for decades, if not centuries. After all, the betterment of the entire nation cannot hinge upon the prosperity of but a number of regions or cities. I believe that managing an NGO shares much synergy with running a for-profit business: leadership experience developed and social connections established in the business arena should be most conducive to my long-term career aspiration. The end of my achievements in business will ultimately find their way in the social cause. Admittedly, financial standing is an important yardstick, against which personal success is judged; however, it will be even more fulfilling if I can share this success with the needy and bring benefits to them.
As the leading business school, Wharton incorporates the many lectures in addition to cases that prepare students for all kinds of real business challenges and opportunities, which caters well to my career aspiration. Admittedly, Wharton is most famed for its strength in finance; however, it has, over the years, also churned out a plethora of successful general managers. Having said that, I trust Wharton is where I can attack my weak link by brushing up my financial skills, which I believe are indispensable to my career advancement later on. “He is a sharp cookie, a natural leader just waiting to burst out of his shell”, goes the comment on my first performance review. My communication with Wharton students and alumni has fully attested to my belief that Wharton is the very school that will transform me from a candidate to a bona fide leader in the future. |
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| Comments |
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John's message of wanting to develop into a socially responsible manager is a good one. A more impactful beginning to his essay could mention this theme. The current opening paragraph doesn't seem consistent with the rest of the essay. For example, it starts with "I aspire. I plan. I execute," but the reader is left searching for examples of how John planned and executed in his career. We recommend changing the intro to make sure that it highlights what will follow in the essay. |
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At times it is difficult to follow John's career progression. For instance, in the sixth paragraph he discusses his project at International Media Corporation, but this is the first time the reader hears about this company. How did John end up there? Headers may help to make these transitions smoother. |
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John wrote this essay knowing that the reader will have access to his other essays (and he even references those essays in this one). That's fine, but each essay also needs to stand on its own. |
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Make sure to spell out any acronyms. For example, many people do not know what an NGO is. |
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John only devotes two sentences to his post-Wharton career (in paragraph eleven). This will almost certainly raise some eyebrows (not in a good way!) among admissions officers. This is an opportunity for John to expand his essay and show that he truly understands how Wharton will help him in his post-MBA career. |
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The next paragraph (about helping the underprivileged in China) is good, but can probably be reduced to make more room for the career paragraph. |
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Some of John's language could be simplified (e.g., "proffered me great latitude in engaging in a variety of functions requiring disparate skill-sets..."). Remember that the goal is to get across your main ideas as efficiently as possible, not to show off your knowledge of the English language. |
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Along those lines, John's English is clear, but he does have some grammatical mistakes. We recommend that John have at least one or two more native English speakers review his essays before he submits them. |
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Overall, a promising theme from an obviously intelligent applicant. We recommend that John focus more on the "socially repsonsible" theme, spell out his career goals more clearly, and make it easier for readers to follow his career progression up to this point. The result will be a much stronger essay. |
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